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keeper…am i?

October 28th, 2009 by dashshaiedy

I can control myself. I have the power over me and no one has the charms to manipulate it. What kind of music could actually make my toes swing and my body grace? Its kind of mysterious though; exploring and going against to your super ego.

During my childhood, I didn’t have luck chances to sneak with the fairytale stories. So I didn’t value much of the happy endings but I enjoyed most of finding your prince charming. But having all these years of searching for my perfect prince, I never gave up trying. I don’t want to be that princess who ended up thinking that dream were all childish deeds. Because for me, it wasn’t! Those fantasies were created by innocent and hopeful hearts.

My search may pour hardships and despair. It may also be possible to give up but when I feel my heart beating, it reminds me of my prince. He may appear perfect but his imperfection will serve as my strength. It will make me push more, to stand stronger for him.

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…hyprocrisy..composition…

October 28th, 2009 by dashshaiedy

I’ve been living series of melodramatic stories and none of it blossomed with applause. All of those episodes remained unedited and blunt. They were just sequence of challenging ideas and experiences that were explored with much curiosity and dullness. I portrayed variant characters which merely made for pleasure and boosting impression. Some of it planned and most were experiments. It felt like I needed something to learn from other people’s reactions to the class of character I was. I cried with lying tears and grieved with defying sadness. I laughed mostly to leave sense of admiring thought and still rooted with deceiving face. I didn’t care much of the hand I hold nor touch; none of it ever felt real. I was not weakened with senseless embrace and intended to tightly hold. I may be foolish but I’m a fair player.I suffer what I deserve when I know I should not remain safe. Nonetheless my emotions were not chained with infinite strength. It was not made of gems nor element strong as steel. It’s permeable and imperfect. In other words, I also have issues of my own. Though I usually manipulate other people’s feelings, I’m motionless when my own appears to stand. I only memorized songs composed only for the sake of my play. My lips can’t even sing candid melodies made for my own. At the end of it, I can only hum no other than I can hear.But of course, I also learn until my mind and heart can withstand each other. I say what my heart feels. I do what I think is righteous for myself yet I can’t regard my emotions raised thru. And at that very moment, I left unconvinced. When the time I had fully disposed pretentions, I left dissuaded.

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Shienna’s Letter # 2: Chandrel

July 18th, 2009 by dashshaiedy

…My everdearest lovable ChandreL,

Because of our friendship, you made me stop wanting to know more. Been so contented to be with you bhez. Until such time i surrendered all my baggage and SURRENDERED ALL to you.

I admit there would be chances that i can’t barely uphold my promises. Each time it happens, god knows how guilty i was for letting it happen. As years gone by, that guilt also grew and kept tormenting me to push through. Its been years of wanting to be that best person to stand on your side.

Been craving for your sincere forgiveness bhez… For taking this friendship left behind…

i still love you so much bhez…

and am still w8ng for another opportunity to grant those vows…

with God’s help.

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Shienna’s Letter #1 (mamu-papu)

July 14th, 2009 by dashshaiedy

Mamu…Papu?

…xalamat po kasi Love3x nyo ko maxaaado…

Kahit na ala kayo palagi,uhm, nagbibigay naman kayo ng time thou not that often, still appreciated kasi pinaparamdam niyo talaga na solong-solo namin kayo sa mga oras na yun…

Palagi niyo po pinaparamdam na we’re protected…Waa!… Almost lahat ng gusto namin binibigay niyo agad considering na ang dami pa naman naming mga bebe niyo…haha!… Kakaiba kayo mamu,papu!…Tindi ng powers!… Wala ng ibang mas magaling na teacher sa buhay na to kundi kayo lang…(ofcourse…except kay God)…hihihi…

Xarap mo pa talaga magluto Mamu..kahit hmmmm minsan ko lang din natitikman…hahaha!.. Si papu naman, pag nagkakasakit ako, ginagawa talaga akong baby!…waaa!…

Mamu..Papu… Love ko po kayo maxado… yaw ko po na may nananakit sa inyo…

And most importantly tenxu poh kasi hindi kayo nagkulang sa pagbibigay ng the following:

1. chocoloate

2. ice cream

3. junkfoods

4. vitamins

5. load

6. beauty creams

7. most especially…shopping budget!

…tenxu po talaga…Kasi never po na-udlot ang supplies ko ng mga yan dahil sa inyo…hihihi…

-love ko po talaga kayo…forever yan…

tenxuuuuuuuuuuu!… mmmuah!(:..

-Your BANJOi speaking…hihi

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Ang gulo ng mga sinasabi ko dito..ha ha ha

June 20th, 2009 by dashshaiedy

Plans in life????

hmmm… Not that organized… haha!… thou dati may timeline pa’ko kaya lang…hindi na nasunod…

Katulad na lang ang pag-take ng JUNE 2009 NLE na hindi ko tinuloy…

Naisip ko kasi…ang dami ko pa gustong gawin…

Ayoko madaliin ang lahat…

Marami pa’kong hindi alam…at gustong alamin…

Opportunities?… andyan naman lagi yan eh… Its up to you to seek and pursue to it…

For now?…Office GURL?..ha ha ha!… kinakabahan nga tatay ko! hahaha!… Baka raw kasi tuluyan ko nang itatakwil ang kurso koh…wag naman ganun…hahaha!

Chances…hmmm…i used to chase it before pero ngayon??…nagsasawa na’ko…

I think mas masaya mag explore at mag-adopt ng changes…

But ofcourse, may mga times din na napapaisip ako… Ano na ba talaga nangyayari sakin?… Saan ba’ko papunta?… Ang dami talagang tanong na hindi ko  alam ang sagot…

Shienna as a highschool student???…halah…maiyakin at napaka-lampa…maraming walang alam sa labas ng school…Ang tanging alam lang gawin ay ang pumunta ng skul at umuwi ng bahay… Buti na lang… Nakahanap ako ng BEST peers na pinakita sakin ang mga kakaibang enjoyment…For them, isa akong fragile-vase na ayaw nilang magalusan…Kaya kahit nasa labas ako ng bahay namin, ni minsan ay hindi nila ako pinahamak … Tawag nga nila sakin PULGAS weh!…hahaha… dikit kasi ako ng dikit sa kanila… paano ba namang hindi? Eh sila nga ang humihila sakin palapit…haha..ang kapal!…Mahal na mahal ko ang mga yun…at kahit hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin sila nagbabago…kahit na nga marami na’kong alam sa buhay, hindi pa rin nila akong pinapakawalan…So flattering..hihi…

College-Life?…xempre…nag-mature na ng konte…pero palagi na’kong mag-isa…wala na sila…ang tagal kong nakapag-adjust…Buti na lang… nakahanap ako ng isang chubby2x-bear na naging kasama ko hanggang graduation…Xe made me feel safe and secured… Hihi…kaya siguro when she started dating, nainis ako at parang bata na kumawala sa kanya… I was so mad then…and really jealous…

And up to now… di pa rin ako nakapag-adjust ng ganun… kaya siguro i hated commitments kasi i know in time  maghihiwalay din kami…

I can’t predict my future thou…Si Lord lang nakakaalam non… Pero sa ngayon… hindi ako masyadong malapit sa mga tao…

Withdrawn ba ko?…maybe…

May mga new friends din naman..hihi…Pero sa totoo lang… i’m still in blue…

hiihihihi…

Sa tagal siguro ng paghihiwalay namin ng mga kaibigan(highschool) k, masyado akong natuto sa buhay…i can stand firm..but any minute of it, i could crash down…ang gulo noh? haha..

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Dearest???

June 19th, 2009 by dashshaiedy

Dear Mykee (Long)?,

Whenever i needed comfort, you console me the BEST!

When i’m about to cry, your presence always stop the tears…

Its been so long, i miss seating beside you…

You changed and there’s no other to blame but myself…

I left you puzzled…and for that i’m sorry….

Though i can’t define the joy being with you…it felt right…

Thank you for fulfilling the absence of my friends…and lastly,

Thank you for making me feel your princess…

Shienna

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Unspoken heart

June 7th, 2009 by dashshaiedy

your eyes shows no emotion,
You and your hidden heart
i can see nothing but guess.

i can’t think well.
coz you’re a little bit annoying
and a little bit attractive.

i’m a hopeless romantic
and slow in actions.
Coz if i’m not carefull enough,
i may pick the wrong flower.
and i’m very fickled-minded.

It’s  silly liking you.
That smile, no matter how beautiful and sweet,

if it’s not yours,

then it’s not special at all.

my tears, no matter how bitter and salty
if you’re one consoling, it’ll be a bright day.

no matter how close are you to me,
without your hug, still you seem far away.

i’ll only have this feelings for you in this world.

no matter how playful i am,
i’ll behave if you just stare at me.

no matter how far or how wide the road is,
if you’re the one holding my hand, i feel safe.

i’ll be good and be close to you.
i’ll be tender and sensitive, seriously

i’ll only have this feelings for you in this world.

you’re sometimes naive, sometimes evil
but i cant be cruel to you.

and now,

how am i supposed to admit
that i want you

and no one else.

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A love to kill

June 1st, 2009 by dashshaiedy

When i see love,

I walk by it.

When i know its love,

I make an excuse.

When i hear its love,

I ignore it.

To cover my cries,

I laugh loudly.

Love, is my love that bad?

love brings happiness,

but here i am crying.

Why me?

Why i’m hurting so much?

I’d given everything i have away,

if this love was permitted.

When love hurts me,

i continue to live.

Wiping my tears doesn’t ease the pain.

Precious things seems always to leave,

So i’ve kept my feelings hidden

Your love is rooted within me,

and the craving for your love gets deeper.

And now all i can do is to I live for this painful love…

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hateful dream: Love

June 1st, 2009 by dashshaiedy

You should have blinded me,

So that I couldn’t love you.

Why did you let me see?

Your Beauty…

It’s too late for me now,

you’re already inside.

Even I tried to  wash you away,

Your presence swells in me.

Little by little, I grow tired of this familiar pain.

Stepping on my shoulders so that I fall.

The world tells me not to dream.

That there is no hope for you and me,

Nor is love allowed between us.

That I may not dream, or better yet

So that my breath stops,

You should have taken me.

Why do you make me stay here beside you?

I should have  no dreams,

that is the only way I could live.

For if I dream,

if I love,

I know it will be that much harder.

I want you,

my desire grows.

I, too, want to be happy.

It doesn’t matter how much I try to quit.

My eyes keep lingering on you,

still,i dream.

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Love at the corner

May 22nd, 2009 by dashshaiedy

I pretended and without a trace…i was at your side, looking at you at the horizon…

While walking pass forward, i  waited for you…

While you walking forward, you didn’t look back…

The memory of your smiling face, slowly moves my keys..

I don’t want to see you lonely…

I love you, and my heart can’t help to worry.

I Always want to tell you, your my happiness…

Down another junction,  i cried while saying…

My heart don’t want to hide, not fearing the result…

Down the junction,you will see love and beautiful smile…

A love in the corner, from whom may it be…

It may be happy or lonely…

This Street after that corner,

can I be with you?

Whoever that love at the corner, will not leave you with tears.

Seek and know that heart’s owner. And you will see what will happen…

I won’t let love fall to tears, I won’t let you drop those tears…

Now and  forever, you are mine, and you’re my only beauty…

My heart won’t, i will not be scared of the ending…

If ever you’ll have the future, how can u tell?

I always want to tell you, this happiness will not slip away…

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